The brave girls

I have had a few instances already from people who love us just really not understanding what our daughters are going through or how this process works for them.  I thought maybe the best thing to do was to write this blog in hopes that with information would come understanding.

Adoption is a beautiful thing.  It is not the best thing.  In a perfect world birth families would be able to stay together, children would never become part of any "system".  They would have mom, dad, siblings, grandparents, etc. and would never feel the loss that is adoption.  Adoption is God's plan B.  When He created mankind and we rejected that love, we were not able to have the relationship God desired with Him.  Through His perfect grace we were welcomed back into His family.  We were adopted.  Plan B.  This is biblical fact.  These special kids, kids from hard places, experience the same Plan B because God sets the lonely in families.  His provision for the orphan is also biblical. 

Our daughters are beautiful.  They are smart.  They are special.  They are loved.  They are also sad, hurting, and scared.  When they could no longer live with their biological family, they were set on a path of loss so profound most of us can't even imagine it.   First came foster families during the two years it took for them to be available for adoption.  We do not know how many foster families or what kind of foster families.  T was 6 and L was 6 months when this started.  All we know was that over the span of two years, our daughters lost their entire biological family. 

Two years ago our girls were blessed by a very good foster family.  A foster family who loved them.  A family who spoiled them.  A family who helped them reach milestones, worked on educational goals, who did their best for them.  This family wasn't wealthy, by any standards, and yet they gave their hearts and home to these two little girls.  Here is the question many will ask.... Why didn't they adopt them?  When they were placed in this family, they were cleared to be adopted internationally.  That was the option.  Chances are slim they would've stayed with this family for much longer.  However, for the sake of argument, lets assume they did.  Wouldn't that have been better?  You tell me....   Every day since our daughters moved into that family they were told it was temporary.  They were told "someday" they would get a mom and dad.  Until then, they knew every day that the rug could be pulled out.  That the family they loved was not theirs.  How secure could they feel?  How much love could they know? 

So we found them.  We wanted them.  God led us to them via a path we couldn't have chosen.  Happy ending, right?  I hope so... eventually.  It's not that easy.  We mailed the care package.  They got pics, teddy bears, an audiobook, hairbows... and the promise of Mommy and Daddy.  We came here and traveled to them.  To two terrified children with brave faces, frightened eyes, and willing hearts.  They came with us, overwhelmed and excited and hopeful.  Can you imagine just that little bit?  Put yourself in their place.  Van pulls up.  People you don't know and can't understand... and you leave with them to.... where exactly?  No clue.  Faith in it's purest form.

So you spend weeks.  My Spanish gets better, they start to learn English.  The walls of "best-behavior so we will want us enough" come down.  In our case are forced down by more challenges (the evacuation) and more changes (a new place to say and dad and brothers headed home).  Replacing the "am I good enough?" is a whole lot of "I miss home, I miss my life, my friends, my family, my language"  a helping of "this is too hard trying to communicate with you" and a healthy dose of "who are you to tell me and my sister what to do".  Hurt from years... 4 YEARS... of loss and more loss greatly outweigh the love I now promise.  How can they believe it?  How many moms have left?  How many loved ones lost?  Isn't it better to keep me at arms length?  To stop more hurt from being possible?  To cause me to leave now rather than later?  This life of loss and hurt makes for tough little hearts. 

We have had bad days.  Really really hard, to your bones, can't take any more and then do it anyway bad days.  We have had tears, crying for what is lost, I am just so sad I can't hold them in.  We have had battles when the anger is just more than one child can deal with on the inside.  We have also had joy.  We have had kisses and hugs.  We have had empathy on all sides.  In the midst of the hardest days I have seen small moments of what will be.  When L falls and runs to me instead of her sister I see the bond.  When I come to kiss T one more time before sleep and she asks for another I know she is reaching out in a way that was impossible before.  When I say no and it ends in a temper tantrum, but then is quickly followed by I love you's, I am certain this too shall pass.  And when we have one of those moments that would break even the hardest heart, I have learned that proceeds breakthroughs that could melt the largest iceburg. 

If you hear me say this is hard, IT IS!  Like seriously HARD!  And if I tell you the girls are having a hard day or a hard week, trust me, they are going through some stuff.... but that doesn't mean it's bad.  Of course it's hard!  They are leaving everything and everyone and we are folding two kids with a lot of background into our lives.  Inside of the hard, through the challenging, and within the change is growing love and trust and family.  Our adoption into the family of God wasn't easy, Christ was crucified for it.  This is nothing compared to what God did to be our father in a real, permanent, and tangible way.  I hope that God thinks I am worth it.  I know our girls are.  I see it even in the craziest, hardest, and most overwhelming of moments.

Day by day we have growth.  Moment by moment I see more trust.  Will life be perfectly rosy when we head home?  NOPE!  Will we have set backs?  YEP!  Are we happy we did this?  Absolutely.  And our daughters, bless their brave little souls, are happy to finally have a family.